[Paulie123]

The Oakland Telegraph
9 April 2029
A's should contend again if Vargas and Dickson stay healthy
The American League champions, the Oakland A's, kick off their 2029 regular season campaign tonight against division rivals LA Angels. They fell at the final hurdle in the World Series last November, but as they look to go one better this year, Dee Cent-Roster, our unusually optimistic player assessments correspondent, takes a look at their chances.

Rotation: It's Cy Youngs galore at the top of baseball's best rotation, as two-time winner Lucio Vargas (31/R/5*, 20-5 WL, 2.84 ERA in 2028) and last year's American League winner Karl Dickson (27/R/5*, 20-9, 2.73) are expected to again dominate opposition lineups. Brad Dundee (25/R/4.5*, 18-9, 3.92), the man with the motto "That's not a curveball; THAT'S a curveball", improved greatly during the second half of last year. The same can't be said of Nathan Hamilton (25/L/4.5*, 12-10, 4.24), whose charitable attitude towards batters served up 33 home runs in 187 innings pitched last year, and is clinging onto his rotation spot by his fingertips. Lefty Jon Dixon (30/L/3.5*, 13-7, 3.73) amazed everyone last season by not being utter tripe. The way this game works, a forthcoming season of tripeness seems, however, a racing certainty. Ramon Mendoza and Jose Gonzales are waiting in the minors for a chance.

Bullpen: Roy Ellis (26/L/5*, 5-2, 1.74, 26 SV) showed predecessor Eric Wright that the secret to being a good closer is no more complicated than just being a good pitcher. The setup pairing is talented but maddeningly inconsistent Jose Duran (25/L/5*, 8-4, 4.10) and the totally unexplainable success story that is Melvi Salazar (34/R/4.5*, 1-1, 1.91). In middle relief, Jose Martinez (25/R/5*, 1-1, 3.75) finally shook off his incompetencitis and performed somewhere near his ability levels. Scott Todd (26/R/4*, 2-0, 1.42) should, according to scouts' ratings, be fairly hopeless, but has a happy knack of retiring batters after he's let runners get on base. Youngsters Gonzalo Avila (21/L/4.5*, drafted 2025 supp rd 1 by Oakland) and Jorge Sanchez (25/R/4.5*, drafted 2021 rd 2 by Oakland) have been promoted from the minors.

Catcher: It looks like purely the lack of being arsed to search for a new starter may have prompted GM Paulie Beane to give ageing spellcheck breaker Jakson Reetz (33/R/4*, .302 OBP, 12 HR, 69 RBIs in 2028) a new two-year, $12m per annum contract. Pedro Trinidad (26/R/2.5*, .306, 10, 38) is backup and plays designated hitter against southpaw pitchers.

Infield: For what seems like the first time since the Dead Ball Era, Matt Olson will not man first base. Sharing the responsibility in his place are young promotee Liam Brown (22/R/2*, drafted 2026 rd 1 by Oakland) and tongue-twister Toyokazu Watanabe (25/R/3.5*, .327, 6, 31), who are both really middle-infielders just filling in. Second baseman Alejandro Gusman (26/L/5*, .385, 14, 76) is a beast with the bat but irritatingly keeps changing his mind about whether he prefers to bat top or middle of the lineup. Third base is a platoon of Patrick Snel (28/L/4*, .341, 20, 101) and wimpy new recruit Derek Hopkins (24/R/2.5*, 316, 4, 77). Snel's not best pleased about being platooned, but, perhaps because he's a fictitious, computer-generated person and therefore has no brain, hasn't worked out that if he wasn't so cretinous against lefties, he wouldn't be. Juan Jimenez (28/R/3.5*, .288, 3, 42) is an excellent defensive shortstop. Let's not spoil things by mentioning his batting. Javier Villanueva, Mark Duncan and Rich Weaver are the non-dross in the minors.

Outfield: Spinach-injecting Child of Thor Javier Cruz (26/L/3*, .315, 32, 97) fell away a little last year, and unexpectedly finds his left field spot under threat from fellow slugging man-mountain William Morris (25/L/3.5*, .403, 7, 38). Juan Torres (27/R/2.5*, .325, 13, 66) is the perfect stereotype of a successful A's centre fielder: brilliant in the field, marginally above average with the bat. All-star right fielder Luis Guzman (29/L/5*, .332, 26, 82) slightly disappointed last season after arriving to great fanfare. Playing designated hitter against righties is a man who is simultaneously Oakland's best batter and worst fielder, the Mike Trout / Billy Butler hybrid that is Dennis Hawkins (27/L/3.5*, .377, 22, 118). Reserves are Jim Thompson and forgotten former all-star Martin Wilson, whose ability to hit a ball has fallen apart faster than Iain Baker-Finch's did.

The A's have retained all their main pieces from last year and now should get a full season from ace Lucio Vargas. If they play this season like they did the second half of last, they'll waltz into the postseason with time to spare. Houston are nigglingly effective though, and LA Angels, who despite a $210m payroll budget have scandalously failed to win the Amercian League West during the 14 seasons of the Dynastic Era, have invested heavily over the offseason, and will improve on last year's last-place finish. So Oakland will by no means have it all their own way. After this season, Gusman and Snel will reach free agency, while Dundee, Hamilton, Cruz and Torres will reach arbitration. It will be this squad's last attempt at glory before owner Ban-ki Rupt's economising means Beane will have to get rid of some key players.