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The Oakland Telegraph
19 August 2026
Classic Fernandez display guarantees winning record for Oakland
By O. Verfivehundred, successful season correspondent
"There's life in the old dog yet!", veteran Jose Fernandez wheezed to reporters after yesterday's game, a 5-1 victory over the Baltimore Orioles which moved Oakland to 82-38 on the season. That ensures Paulie Beane's troops will finish over .500 for the fifth year in a row. The last time they failed to achieve that mark was 2021, when they finished 76-86. Oakland have managed to put a bit more ground between themselves and valiant chasers Seattle, who are now 14 games behind.
The 34-year-old Fernandez produced a vintage outing, throwing 6.1 innings for just one, unearned, run which came after an error, as per usual, from coordinationally challenged second baseman Alejandro Gusman. A's hitting coach Noah Hitter says Fernandez's ratings are dropping like a stone, but pensioner Fernandez seems intent on defying gravity and is still producing the goods. His 16 wins and 2.33 ERA marks both lead the majors this term.
"I expect to be on the receiving end of some Beane strops next season as my ratings and performances deteriorate", explained an optimistic Fernandez. "I've got 10/5 rights and don't want to leave. Paulie has promised me that it's a house rule of his that he won't cheat by putting me in the minors to pee me off so that I'll accept a trade." He went on, "In a way it'll be fun watching Paulie get increasingly irate and frustrated at paying a guy $22m to pitch out of the bullpen."
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