[Westheim]

The team landed in Vancouver late on Sunday night, got everybody carried to the hotel, then collectively awoke at three in the morning when there was commotion on the hotel floor, as Kelvin Yates was rushed to the hospital after he had called 9-1-1 himself and had reported that his heartbeat was irregular.

I was not in Vancouver for a history of legal complications (we will not go into that), but I was called out of bed at 3:30am and spent the time until sunrise cowering in a corner and weeping.

And all we knew on Monday morning was that he was alive and relatively well, and that he would definitely not pitch on Tuesday, when Kaz would take his turn. So we had that nice thing going on, and the Elks on our hands! Now bring in the clowns!

Raccoons (15-9) @ Canadiens (13-11) – April 30-May 2, 2007

The Canadiens had a -3 run differential, with some trouble scoring runs. They had 94, which ranked them 8th in the CL. Well, the Coons were last with 88, so we were technically rather close to the median. They had the third-best rotation and bullpen when looking at the ERA.

Projected matchups:
Nick Brown (1-2, 5.46 ERA) vs. Simon Pegler (2-2, 4.85 ERA)
Kazuhiko Kichida (0-1, 0.84 ERA) vs. Juichi Fujita (2-2, 3.55 ERA)
Jose Dominguez (0-3, 5.40 ERA) vs. Rod Taylor (3-1, 3.02 ERA)

This was their starters assuming they’d skip Gustavo Rodriguez (1-1, 0.00 ERA). All four runs he had allowed in 17 innings had been unearned.

I didn’t see Nick Brown start the opener on Monday night. I was busy. With something important. I had fashioned myself a wig from one of Slappy’s mops (he wasn’t using them anyway) and had taken one of Aunt Wilma’s dresses, a blue one with a white floral pattern. Aunt Wilma wasn’t minding, either. Aunt Wilma’s been dead for four years.

Anyway, I was busy with something important, since I had to cross that border in disguise, and that’s why I was driving up I-5. By the time of first pitch, I was refueling the car near Olympia, WA, and trying to shake off a middle-aged truck driver, who had a foreign accent and was making advances on me. GET THE **** OFF OF ME, CAMILLO!! I got places to be!!

Game 1
POR: SS Flores – 2B Nomura – RF Black – C Bowen – 1B Quebell – 3B Sharp – LF Castro – CF Trevino – P Brown
VAN: 2B Dobson – RF E. Garcia – C G. Ortíz – SS Rice – 3B Suzuki – 1B Denunez – CF Holland – LF Trinidad – P Pegler

By the time I came back to the car, it was the second inning, and Nick Brown had already been bombed by Gary Rice for two. Oh the joy! But the game was tied at two by the time I reached Seattle, the Raccoons taking a run in the second, and one more in the fourth, but leaving additional runners on third base in both frames. According to the radio guys, Brown was not any good, and relied on the outfielders quite a lot. Daniel Sharp made a few plays on the hot corner, too, but then hit a sorry pop with the bases loaded and two outs in the fifth. That one wasn’t going to elude Enrique Garcia, and another chance was wasted. I was angry and going faster. Simon Pegler wasn’t much good either, but the Raccoons didn’t have anything going their way in the game. Castro singled leading off the sixth, didn’t advance while Trevino was busy striking out, then was finally caught stealing for the umpteenth time on the year. Brown struck out.

The positive side of Brown pitching to contact for some wicked reason was that he didn’t spend many pitches, and the Elks still couldn’t make him pay for it. It was nominally a three hour drive from Olympia to the border, but by the time the eighth inning concluded with Jerry Dobson fouling out to Bowen, Brownie was on 99 pitches and the game was still tied, and I had just gone past Burlington, still 45 minutes away from the border.

Castro led off the ninth with a single off closer Pedro Alvarado. Trevino bunted him to second, and Bobo Mays hit for Brown, but ineptly grounded out, and while Castro moved up, Flores struck out to strand a runner on third for the fourth time in the game. There was only one more pitch in the game, a Colby Kirk offering that was hit into the Pacific by lefty Enrique Garcia. 3-2 Canadiens. Flores 2-5; Quebell 2-3, BB, 2B; Castro 3-4, 3B, RBI; Brown 8.0 IP, 4 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 4 K;

I made it to Vancouver just past midnight, having shaken off both Camillo and a guy named Georges in another roadside establishment to conduct biological necessities. He had claimed to be an off-duty Mountie and swore his boundless love for me, but he smelled of cheap booze and two packs of cigarettes since lunch, and I grabbed the lower part of the dress, faked right, dashed left, and drove off.

I visited Kelvin Yates on Tuesday morning to see whether this was a pitcher whose condition was ACTUALLY fatal (and not something like Dominguez). The Pakistani doctor fell way too easily to my claim of being his aunt, Wilma Yates, and he should excuse my hair, I had had no time to make myself fancy before hustling here.

Apparently there was nothing fatal about Yates’ condition at all. He had been checked in with heart palpitations, but his heart was 100% perfectly good. There was however the possibility that this was a mental thing and he asked me whether I knew if my nephew was suffering from anxiety or panic disorders?

Is that it? A stud pitcher afraid to take the mound?

Game 2
POR: 3B Flores – LF Castro – RF Black – C Bowen – 1B Quebell – SS Sato – CF Trevino – 2B M. Gutierrez – P Kichida
VAN: 2B Dobson – CF E. Garcia – SS Rice – LF J. Gonzalez – 1B Denunez – C G. Ortíz – 3B Suzuki – RF Richardson – P Fujita

I had made it into the Elks’ park, which was not full at all on a Tuesday afternoon. I had no problems getting a seat close to the playing field. I hadn’t had time to exchange currencies, but while I might be wearing an old lady’s dress and a cringeworthy non-wig in front of 12,000 people, I was not as much out of my mind so as not to bring my wallet and my credit cards…

What I saw wasn’t at all pretty. While the Raccoons scored first on a Manuel Gutierrez home run (!!), Kaz was wild well beyond a healthy measure of balls mixed in. He walked four by the third inning, and soon enough gave up his 1-0 lead on an RBI single by Jorge Denunez. The Coons took the lead back instantly. Castro singled, and Luke Black drilled a shot to center, that missed Enrique Garcia’s glove by mere inches for a triple. Black came home on a fly by Bowen to center, making this a 3-1 game, while the Elks stranded ex-Failcoon Daniel Richardson at third base in the bottom 4th, and two more were left stranded in the fifth, but the Elks were out-hitting the Raccoons 7-3 at that point. Kichida could burst into flames any second.

Now, my costume wasn’t perfect, as it turned out. For once, I cheered at the wrong times, which was excusable. I couldn’t cheer for the Elks if my life depended on it. There is some thing called dignity after all. But I think I should have prepared myself better. The Elks didn’t beg to be taken out to the ballgame during the seventh inning stretch, but on some occasions they sang their anthem. While everybody started to sing “Oh Canada”, I burst into “Oh say, can’t you see …” and didn’t notice until I was at the part with the ramparts and the bombs and stuff. Worse yet, they had some Hug A Mountie Day going on, and the lead singer was … Georges, the Mountie. After snapping into silence in my front row seat in the middle of the anthem, I thought I might go unnoticed – but, hey, you know me and my luck? Georges finished “Oh Canada, we stand on guard for thee!” in front of home plate, then turned to me, burst into tears, and cried out why I couldn’t give him the love he deserved before being carried off so play could resume, but not before I was shown on the big video screen, with the public announcement tool blaring out that somebody seemed to have a Bad Hair Day.

Play resumed with Kaz issuing his sixth walk, which led to his removal and the ugly ginger kid six seats further up the line giggling joyfully. I angrily hushed him, he burst into tears, and soon enough out of the corners of my eyes I could see uniformed park personnel appear around my section. On the field, Rockburn and Bruno paraded into the game, with the Elks scoring a run to get back to 3-2 on a Castro throwing error. The stinking Elks finally tied the game when stinking Daniel Richardson homered off Bruno in the eighth. By the way, did I mention I paid entry with my credit card?

Apparently I was still listed on Canada’s Top 10 Most Wanted for ripping a Canadiens cap off a kid’s hat in a public park in Vancouver almost 20 years ago. And stomping on it. That kid’s gotta be 30 now, he was certainly over it, but Canada was not. While processing data, the Elks’ personnel had noticed my name popping up, and I can’t say that I kept a low profile during this game, which was turning into extra innings, but before Pedro Alvarado could get ready for a second inning, a muscular guy in a pink Canadiens shirt sat down next to me and kindly inquired, “Mr. Westfield, we request you to leave the property immediately. Will you behave cooperatively?”, to which I responded “Never!”, gripping the arm rests of my first row seat. He grabbed my arm, I shrieked “Is that how you treat a lady!?”, then grabbed the dress and bolted for the exit. Oops, no, too late. They cornered me and dragged me into the bowels of the stadium while I cried out “Win it for me, boys!!”. Judging by the audible bursts of joy above about 20 minutes later, they didn’t. Bryan allowed three hits in the 11th.

4-3 Canadiens. Riddle 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

A ****ty week was getting ever ****tier. While the team prepared to play the final game of the set, I was awaiting the indignity of being deported from a Western, arguably civilized country in a cell at a Vancouver police station on Wednesday. Thankfully, they had the radio with the broadcast on, as the two guys on duty casually listened to their team. For three hours, there was not one incoming call. There just was no crime in Canada, it appeared, except for the crimes against the beauty of the game committed whenever Jose Dominguez took the mound.

Game 3
POR: 3B Flores – LF Castro – RF Black – C Bowen – 1B Quebell – 2B Nomura – SS Sato – CF Trevino – P Dominguez
VAN: 2B Dobson – CF E. Garcia – SS Rice – LF J. Gonzalez – 1B Denunez – C G. Ortíz – 3B Suzuki – RF Richardson – P R. Taylor

Vic Flores started the game with a home run off Taylor (anybody knowing what happened the last time he did that?), but Dominguez gave the lead back in a hurry in the bottom of the first. Generally, the Raccoons’ lineup behaved very ineptly, but the Elks handed them a huge 3-run present in the fourth, making two errors, Taylor threw a wild pitch to plate the go-ahead run, and then Kunimatsu Sato tripled in two more to make it 4-1. Yet, the ****ing can of **** that was Dominguez was unbelievable. He issued four walks through three innings. Suzuki tripled to start the bottom 4th, then Dominguez walked three more batters, which was enough to get yanked, Ed Bryan came in and continued to fail. The Elks tied the game on a single by Garcia and a groundout by Rice, and through four it was four-all. A pair of doubles scored the go-ahead run against Rockburn in the seventh. The Raccoons weren’t doing ANYTHING. Taylor struck out ten, and when the defense wasn’t actively stabbing him in the back, couldn’t be touched by the futile Raccoons. 5-4 Canadiens. Bowen 2-4; Nomura 2-4;

No, this is not a winning team. This is a ****ty team full of ****. This series, Raccoons: 24 H, 5 BB, 30 K, 18 LOB, Canadiens: 28 H, 17 BB, 15 K, 22 LOB;

Vic Flores however has a 12-game hitting streak.

On our off day, Matt Pruitt was sent on a rehab assignment to St. Petersburg with hopes to have him back in Salem. Kelvin Yates was discharged from the hospital and made the return trip to Portland. Plus, I was reluctantly let back into the States by U.S. officials. They really didn’t want me back at all. Must be Wolves fans.

Raccoons (15-12) @ Wolves (10-18) – May 4-6, 2007

How’s that? The worst offensive team in each league hails from Oregon. Prepare for some 1-0 nail biters! The Wolves also had a catastrophic bullpen and didn’t defend well, so they were giving up substantially more runs than the Raccoons. We are 28-26 overall against the Wolves, but we got swept the last two times we played.

Projected matchups:
Raúl Fuentes (2-1, 4.50 ERA) vs. Max Shepherd (3-3, 1.71 ERA)
Kenichi Watanabe (2-1, 1.13 ERA) vs. David Peterson (0-3, 4.45 ERA)
Nick Brown (1-2, 4.75 ERA) vs. Raúl Chavez (2-2, 3.66 ERA)

Lefty matchup on Sunday, and we will miss Carlos Sackett (1-1, 2.89 ERA) by a day. Would they trade Sackett for Dominguez?

Game 1
POR: SS Flores – LF Castro – RF Black – C Bowen – 1B Quebell – 2B Nomura – 3B Sharp – CF Crespo – P Fuentes
SAL: SS Dawson – 1B Catalo – 2B A. Rodriguez – CF Luxton – RF Summers – LF Guerra – 3B D. Mendez – C M. Thomas – P Shepherd

After Castro singled and got caught up in Black’s mess to end the top 1st, but the Coons took the bats to Shepherd in the second inning. Bowen reached, and Nomura and Sharp hit back-to-back RBI doubles. Sharp would score on Fuentes’ sac fly to make it an early 3-0 affair. For Fuentes everything was dandy for a while until he walked Shepherd with one out in the fifth. A knell, smoke, and suddenly the bags were full with two outs, but Robbie Luxton hit one right to Nomura for the third out and the 3-0 advantage was preserved. The top of the lineup jammed Fuentes violently again the next time through and a Leborio Catalo double put two men in scoring position with two outs, and with a righty up, we went to Bruno, who retired Alberto Rodriguez on a grounder right back to papa. Bruno also did the eighth, striking out three around a Sharp error, but by now Sharp had four hits in the affair and was excused. Angel retired the side in order. By the way, all relevant offensive actions of the Raccoons have been duly reported. 3-0 Coons. Sharp 4-4, 3 2B, RBI; Fuentes 6.2 IP, 7 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 4 K, W (3-1); Bruno 1.1 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

First multi-hit game for Sharpie since April 19! And what a multi-hit game! In turn, Luke Black is dangerously close to .200 …

Matt Pruitt won’t be back this weekend. Seems like he got hurt again in his first start at AAA…

Game 2
POR: SS Flores – LF Castro – 3B Sharp – C Bowen – 1B Quebell – RF Mays – 2B Nomura – CF Trevino – P Watanabe
SAL: SS Dawson – 1B Catalo – LF Guerra – CF Luxton – 2B A. Rodriguez – C P. Ledesma – RF A. Chavez – 3B D. Mendez – P D. Peterson

Vic Flores extended his hitting streak to 14 games with a single to start the game, then was caught up in a double play. Sharp doubled, for nought once more. Watanabe walked two to create a mess in the bottom 1st, but whiffed two on his way out. Kenichi struck out two in each of the first three innings, which was very un-Kenichi-like. The Coons scratched out a single run in the second inning, combined with a Mays single, a stolen base, and then a 2-out single by Trevino when he wasn’t intentionally walked. Then they lay dead into the sixth, when Castro ripped a leadoff triple. Sharp scored him with a sac fly. Watanabe was still going well, but sometimes things happen quickly. A single, another single, and then Alberto Rodriguez wrapped a shot around the left foul pole to fire the Wolves into a 3-2 lead. The Raccoons at the plate … failed, and failed, and failed… It was still 3-2 in the ninth, facing struggling closer Aurelio Garcia, who had an ERA close to six with him and more walks than strikeouts. Bowen singled to get going, and Sato ran for him. Quebell walked. I stayed with Mays, too, because why would I remove a .344 lefty for a .208 righty? Alas, Mays struck out, and Luke Black now hit for Nomura. And Black popped out. Nobody to hit for Trevino except Bobo Wood, or Gutierrez. And Trevino struck out. 3-2 Wolves. Castro 2-4, 3B, 2B; Mays 2-4;

My god, this lineup is so ****…

And I can still trump this deserted display by announcing that Matt Pruitt suffered a herniated disc on one swing in AAA, and has been reassigned to the DL, where he will spend another month, at least.

I heard Pruitt was born a few weeks early in October of 1983 in New Orleans. Anybody know whether Daniel Hall was down there for Mardi Gras in ’83 and … enjoyed himself with a black beauty?

Game 3
POR: 3B Flores – LF Castro – 1B Sharp – RF Black – CF Crespo – SS Sato – 2B M. Gutierrez – C Wood – P Brown
SAL: SS Dawson – 1B Catalo – 2B A. Rodriguez – CF Luxton – RF Summers – LF Guerra – 3B D. Mendez – C M. Thomas – P R. Chavez

It was cold, it was wet, it was Oregon after all, and there was a rain delay just large enough for half a soccer game already in the second inning. Not that Brownie could be messed up much more, not getting ahead on hitters at all. Nevertheless, the Wolves didn’t get on base the first time through the order, but starting with Catalo they quickly swamped Brown in the bottom 4th with a wicked sequence of walk, single, wild pitch, walk, before Brown struck out struggling Barry Summers. Fernando Guerra shot a grounder up the middle that Gutierrez intercepted, long throw to make to first, but he was out! The game remained scoreless since the Raccoons had been born inept and hadn’t changed much since. Vic Flores had extended his streak to 15 with a single in his second at-bat, and was also the Coon with the next hit, a 1-out double in the sixth. With the greatest of pains after Castro flew out, Daniel Sharp hobbled a single to left that Flores scored on for the first run of the game. Brown was done after six innings, with the delay and the walks and all, but still struck out seven, five of those K’s coming against the bottom 3 in Salem’s order. Quebell was hitting for Brown in the top 7th with Kunimatsu Sato on third and two outs, and popped out. Rockburn pitched two perfect innings in defense of the 1-0 lead, with the Wolves still limited to the one hit in Brown’s shaky fourth. Chavez was still pitching in the ninth when Black hit a grounder to Ryan Dawson that took a nasty hop off the edge of the infield dirt and Dawson couldn’t adjust to hit, losing it for a single over his glove. Crespo bunted Black to second, but that only had the effect of Sato getting walked intentionally. Mays batted for Gutierrez and hit right into a double play. Arf. Bottom 9th, Wolves still 1-hit and shut out, Angel struck out Pablo Ledesma, struck out Alberto Rodriguez, and then Robbie Luxton singled. That brought up Barry Summers, a righty hitting at a .129 clip, and he wasn’t hit for. Angel’s mercy was limited. 1-0 Brownies. Flores 2-4, 2B; Black 2-4; Brown 6.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 7 K, W (2-2); Rockburn 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

The games certainly don’t get less tense…

In other news

April 30 – New York’s Robbie Wills (0-0, 0.64 ERA, 1 SV) notches his 300th career save by holding the Titans at distance in a 6-3 Crusaders win. His previous 299 saves all came with the Loggers.
April 30 – SFW INF Oliver Torres (.367, 0 HR, 8 RBI) will miss about two weeks with an intercostal strain.
May 2 – The Cyclones place OF Jose Silva (.291, 2 HR, 14 RBI) on the DL with a sore shoulder and expect him to be out for about six weeks.
May 3 – LVA SP Angel Romero (1-1, 5.54 ERA) might be out for the year with radial nerve compression.
May 3 – LAP 1B/3B Chris Ramey (.217, 0 HR, 6 RBI) has torn ankle ligaments and could miss all of the remaining season.
May 3 – The Canadiens acquire 39-yr MR Jose Sotelo (0-2, 2.00 ERA, 1 SV) and a minor league catcher from the Buffaloes for 3B Alex Rivas, who batted .250 in only ten games for them.
May 4 – TIJ MR Jack Peterson (1-0, 4.26 ERA) has suffered a torn flexor tendon in his pitching elbow and faces a grim prognosis with recovery potentially taking up to 15 months for him, if he can make it at all.
May 5 – IND LF/RF Ron Alston (.300, 0 HR, 0 RBI in 10 AB), just returned from a strained oblique, returns to the shelf with back tightness. 15 days should be enough for him.

Complaints and stuff

Don’t forget Neil Reece Appreciation & Bobblehead Day next Saturday, May 12, vs. the Indians!

Rookie of the month in the CL? “Quasimodo” Suda. Ah, my decisions…

Well, the offense is totally awful. Another week with meager 15 runs. Granted, they also only conceded 15 runs, but … unnggh!!

Kelvin Yates will take his next turn in the rotation on Tuesday vs. Cincy. I contemplate skipping, dropping, and eliminating Dominguez.

Of course, we hoped for Matt Pruitt to bring back some buzz, but that’s not gonna happen anytime soon. I don’t know what we can do. It’s hopeless. They’re scoring 3.43 R/G. How do you fix that?

By the way, the trivia question was worded with the intent of having Juan Berrios as the answer, who went 26-59 (.306) as the answer, and “Winless” Watanabe (14-26, .352) as the hook, but turns out I can’t even read my tables right. The worst winning percentage for the franchsie with at least 50 games started belongs to Gary Simmons (12-37, .245), who’s totally obscure and lingered around for a few years as a reliever after we dumped him. But Berrios is very big in ABL history, since he was the first guy to pitch a no-hitter in the league. May 3, 1977, the Raccoons routing the Loggers, 12-0.

Stats time! Franchise winning percentage by pitchers (min. 50 GS), a.k.a. you won’t believe how far down Kisho Saito is on the list:
1st – Robert Vázquez - .676 (46-22)
2nd – Jason Turner - .612 (109-69)
3rd – Jose Rivera - .591 (39-27)
4th – Kinji Kan - .585 (24-17)
5th – Nick Brown - .579 (70-51)
6th – Logan Evans - .559 (124-98)
7th – Scott Wade - .547 (170-141)
8th – Miguel Lopez - .535 (83-72)
9th – Vicente Ruíz - .527 (39-35)
t-10th – Kisho Saito - .519 (189-175)
t-10th – Raimundo Beato - .519 (28-26)

With the exception of Kan, Brownie, and Evans, these guys all were on staff in the early-to-mid 90s. Go figure.

Why don’t we have guys like “Pooky” anymore?