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Having not seen the Beta just yet I can agree with Habsfan there. The original does seem a bit clunky. For your solution, Habsfan, I'd drop the following:
"that had been rumored for a few weeks now." and
"from the Montreal Canadiens"
Otherwise it seems to be a pretty good improvement. What I like when reading transfer stories is the inclusion of the players age and their current key stats (8gp, 4 goals, +1 etc etc) so maybe there is place for that too.
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