[markmcghee]

Star player reports "missing time." Undergoes multiple hypnosis sessions. Recovers fragments of memories of "missing time." The phrase, "me love you long time, GI," repeated over and over while under hypnosis. While many tabloids run the story as "Baseball star's ordeal--the first iron-clad, scientifically verified alien abduction case", others believe that his was a Grey Goose induced alien abduction case involving a Chinese masseuse named Ping and that it occurred during the early hours of the morning following a twi-night doubleheader in which the baseball star went 0-13, and the abduction was pretty much voluntary and, critically, no one is to tell his wife. Wife MUST believe that missing time was caused by real alien abduction involving anal probing and the works, and of course, it is to be understood and reiterated often that it was the baseball star getting probed, not the other way around.

Strange thing is that the baseball star's OPS jumped to Ruthian levels for exactly two months following the abduction, then mysteriously returned to pre-abduction levels. It was later determined that two weeks is the time it takes for MSG injected into the buttocks to flush from one's system. As a result, Baseball bans Doritos, Lays Potato chips, and all forms and brands of Kung Pow Chicken from the game due to the performance enhancement result from the mass consumption or injection of these chemicals by a player. Any player seen so much as whiffing an egg roll will be hit with a six figure fine and a substantial suspension from here on out. And of course, visits to unlicensed, injection-happy Chinese herbalist/masseuses by big league ball players is from this day forth, strictly verboten.