[chicoruiz]

When you're playing on a team that's in last place, headed for nowhere, in a league that's "major" in name only, most of the dugout conversation tends to be about the upcoming offseason. For the benefit of you, the dedicated Washington fan, I've gathered some information and made some guesses as to how my teammates will be spending the next four months.

FORLORN PHIL FOGLE- Don't know, but if I were him I'd think about getting some therapy or some kind of prescription drug that will cause the corners of his mouth to turn up occasionally. Or just wear a coat hanger in his mouth.

DON TURGEON- Rumor has it that our pitching coach will undergo surgery to reduce the copious flow of saliva that emantes from him during periods of stress. Best of luck to him; I foresee lots of periods of stress for this team.

NICHOLAS BARO is openly campaigning to be in a real major league camp next spring. BARNEY FERNANDEZ is also quietly making inquiries. Management, however, is repeatedly reminding them of the little matter of a signed multiyear contract.

TY MONACO says that he's leaving the winter open for "personal appearances". What personal appearances a pitcher with his record might be called upon to make is a mystery; perhaps he's been subpoenaed.

LARRY GOLL says he's writing a sitcom pilot. I'm not kidding. He says it's not about baseball. I like it already.

CLYDE COBB says he's expecting to appear before Congress to reveal what he's learned about a massive plot involving the Kennedy assassination, the CIA and the Knights of Columbus. I'm not sure Washington is the best place for him to play.

MAURO SOTO says he'll be back for another season, an opinion shared by no one who's seen him play.

And BILL DEAN? Well, management wants me to go to winter ball to learn how to catch, but I'm thinking I'll pass on that; I'm pretty baseballed out. I bought a run-down double in the District, and I plan to live in half of it while I fix the other half up to rent. And I plan to work on my relationship with the girl from the Library of Congress and see where it takes us.

I was thinking about signing up for a few classes at Georgetown, but maybe not. I think maybe I read too damn much anyway...