The lovable losers'
curse of the Billy Goat is oh so close to finally allowing Sam Gianas to rest in peace, as da
Cubbies have made two straight World Series trips in this universe and are certainly capable of making it three. Though they've lost both, long-suffering
Pale Hose fans can take solace in this club, somehow. This could be us in two years.
So I'm having a hard time dredging up hatred for the
Midwest Empire, but we'll try it. A-hem...
They're buying a f*cking pitching staff!
Fred Garcia last year,
Barry Zito this year. Any idiot could get them! Any idiot could shell out millions to keep Proven Closer (TM)
Joe Borowski or fireballer
Kerry Wood! And they started out with
Mark "2.40 Career ERA"
Prior, for feck's sake! Give him to the
Pale Hose, we'd win the damn division, too!
But...could any idiot pick up quality relievers
Travis Driskill (a year and a half ago),
Matt Anderson (last year), and
Orber Moreno (this offseason) for players that have not and probably will never make the bigs? Could any idiot develop mammoth southpaw
Andy Sisco into a quality major league arm? If these things were so easy to do, every team would have players like this. But they don't.
No other team has a lineup like the other
Chicago team, either.
Jay Bay is a nice guy to start with; pilfered from
Pittsburgh two and a half years ago for Matt Clement, who spent just that half-year in the Steel City, "Down by the
Bay" hit an incredible .360 last year, scoring 118 runs and knocking in 103. It would be a hell of a feat to do that again, but even if he doesn't, this is a player with a .416 career OBP. He's a fantastic hitter. And he's not even batting where most teams bat their best hitter, in the third slot.
That honor falls to
Richie Sexson, who's clocked 30 doubles and 40 home runs for two straight years in this universe and, unlike his real life counterpart, is healthy as a horse, having played seven straight seasons without even minor injury.
Jacque Jones bats behind him and in front of
Bay, and though he's probably not "worth" the $50 million contract he received last offseason, he's an above-average hitter and a superb outfielder.
Jones plays next to another superlative fielder named
Jones in
Andruw, who's a 30-homer man and possibly six years away from joining the 500-home run club. Before my thirtieth birthday, I'd love to kick around his Hall of Fame case in this universe.
The one puzzle piece this lineup is lacking is a true leadoff hitter. Third sacker
Rob Mackowiak is the nominal choice, but I can't ascertain why, as he's possibly the worst hitter in the lineup. He lacks the 20-home run power of catcher
David Ross, the on-base skills of
Todd "
The Bohunk"
Walker, and the eerily consistent ability to hit a mediocre .270/.320/.400 like
Alex Gonzalez. Not having one strength doesn't make
Mackowiak a bad player, but he's not well-rounded enough to make up for it. Nevertheless, we are splitting one of the thousands of tiny hairs coming off the
cochlea. The mark of a championship-quality team includes having quality players who can't find anywhere to play. I count at least two, backup third sacker
Lance Niekro and fourth outfielder
Nic Jackson. Their below-average leadoff hitter means next to nothing.
The
Cubs fell eight short of their Pythagorean record last season and still won 97 games. Whether they beat that or match that this season is totally irrelevant. I see a team that will lead the league in home runs and get on-base at the rate of a
Magglio Ordonez besides. A rotation like theirs is without comparison. Two straight World Series appearances. This year will mark a third, but with a different result. What a f*cking travesty. This team is making the WORLD SERIES, and we can't draw 10,000 goddamn fans.
I'm angry, damn it! F*cking
Cubs. This could be us. Couldn't it?