Whatever honor these
San Diegans once had is fading further and further into memory, as they've notched three straight mediocre .500 or below seasons in a row in this universe. To avoid a fourth such occurance
without the services of two-time MVP Brian Giles, who's now with the
Empire,
Maxwell Lord Padre management worked in earnest this offseason, securing
Aubrey Huff to play third and
Brady Clark to wander around in left, all for the low, low annual price of $12 million per year for the next four annums. Maybe
Clark's agent threw in a free T-shirt and a bumper sticker to swing the deal, who knows. Neither is a star, but if
Huff, who hit just .244 last year, can return to his earlier .900+ OPS form (and remember, that's top-15 in this league), the
Friars will have a bargain.
But we could play the hypothetical game all day long. If OOTP knew names,
Derrek Lee wouldn't've whiffed 117 times in 398 at-bats last year. If
Chone Figgins could steal bases at a reasonable rate, his first name would probably be spelled 'Sean', like it's pronounced. If I bludgeoned
Esteban Loaiza in the head with a hammer, I'd be looking at a busted computer monitor.
OK, I guess that last one's not really a hypothetical. Nonetheless, the
Padres probably won't come within shouting distance of last year 12th place finish in run scoring, even if
Giles' replacement,
Freddy Guzman, lives up to the hype of two strong years in the high minors. For the team to reach last year's scoring prowess, they'll need almost everyone mentioned above to exceed average expectations, as well as watch holdovers like
Ramon Hernandez bounce back. Sure, some of that will happen, and
Mark Loretta will almost certainly hit .290 again -- but
all of it happening? That sort of luck only happens to WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS -- which, even if they hit like crazy, the
Padres won't be.
They just don't seem to have the pitching to get there. It feels strange saying that, though, probably because this club has enough depth that
Jake Peavy is in AAA.
Peavy is not quite as laudable as you might first think from hearing
his name, mostly due to the still-lingering effects of a muscle tear three fateful Aprils ago, but the man's still tallied 21 wins at AAA Portland in the last year and a half. He's earned his chance at the next level, but he won't get it without injuries. And yet, there's nothing all that great standing in his way.
Jimmy Haynes is the team's ace (imagine that), and rightfully so after a 15-8, 3.35 campaign in 2006. His peripherals don't scream out "fluke"...but even without factoring in his ho-hum career record, there's still something about last year that seems out of place.
Ever been sitting around, watching someone or something when you know you shouldn't be? Spying, per se...and trying to hide it by pretending to read a book? I know you have; I have, doesn't make me a stalker. As for that little restraining order...(rimshot) Well, most of the time you can get away with the "psuedo-read" as a cover, but the "just-reading-a-book" alibi doesn't quite work if you're holding the book upside down, and you can't even pretend to be looking at the pictures then. Anyway, that's
Jimmy Haynes right about now -- an upside-down book.
Not feeling it, huh? I tried.
Behind
The Upside-Down Book is not my ugly mug, but
Brian Lawrence, who's given up a staggering five hundred and twenty-nine (!!!) hits the past two seasons and still managed to pitch at a league-average level. At some point, though, it becomes a trend, and putting a man and a half on an inning is just tempting fate.
John Thomson's also an OK pitcher, though considering he's likely the only return for All-Star
Jake Gautreau, just OK will forever be considered too little while he's in San Diego. More 4.25 ERA's await in the persons of
Adam Eaton and 24 year old
Sean Thompson, who's bandied about as a future ace, but that's a non-sequitur when you're handing out a free pass every other inning. Give it a year; everyone will hate him, the
Pale Hose will swing a trade for him and the criminally underappreciated
Peavy and...you know the rest.
Like, it seems, the rest of the division, this club has a fine bullpen, though it's very inexperienced beyond 39 year old closer
Trevor Hoffman, who's pitched three straight fantastic seasons, hasn't yet showed any signs of slowing, and is 51 saves away from 500. Well,
Jay Witasick and
Greg Jones are also veterans, setup men who aren't bad but...well, why pay these guys much more than a million bucks? They ain't putting up an ERA near
Hoffman's level without a whole lot of luck, and they aren't pitching 150 innings like
Mike Marshall, so in the end...ah, I'm preaching to the choir, anyway. Suffice it to say that this team has a lot of illusory strength in pitching, both at the major and minor league levels, but it's not
really there. It's also telling that the best center field in the system, 21 year old Delmon Young, acquired a year and a half back for
Khalil "White Shoes"
Greene, is sitting in AAA in favor of
Tim Raines -- Senior or Junior, that's a lousy idea. But this organization's chock full of those. Let's send in the
ALCU, get some of the Jake Peavys in
Pale Hose, and after another year of struggles, declare these suckers bearers of all that is bold and free.