Teams usually end up in last place for two reasons -- the cyclical nature of talent flow (rebuilding) or complete and total mismanagement (building, period). The
Pale Hose of two years ago would fall under both categories. But I can't figure out which, if any,
Arizona falls under.
Their payroll sits comfortably above $60 million, fourteenth highest in the league, one spot above last year. Considering they only won 72, that's a lot of bags full of marginal dollars per marginal win. (
RIP Doug Pappas) It's not really misallocated, though; overallocated, perhaps, but no gazillions going to has-beens like
Juan Gonzalez or
Jorge Posada here. And the organization made a tidy profit last year, so they're not mirroring the financial indiscretion of their real-life counterpart.
All that's really missing is a bona fide star, as 25 year old second sacker and #3 hitter
Scott Hairston isn't quite there, despite pounding 20 long balls and 35 doubles last year to go along with a .300 average. Call him the new
Billy Grabarkewitz if you like. The rest of the lineup is average at best, with familiar names like
Luis Gonzalez and
Danny Bautista intermingling with unknowns who could go either way, such as center fielder
Tony Gwynn Jr. and shortstop
Josh "U.S.S. Maine"
McKinley.
The pitching staff is guilty of the same misdemeanor as most other last place teams, a lousy back end of the rotation.
Brandon Webb, despite an 8-15 ledger last year and a proclivity for the big fly, is a bona fide ace, and
Eric DuBose and
Casey Fossum are fine middle-of-the-way starters, but there's little beyond that, no matter what our scout-trout says of
Danny Meyer. The bullpen's fine, though everyone's making six figures, so it darn well better be fine. Closer
Jose Valverde has 100 career saves at the age of 27, so health willing, he could be the
Mo Rivera of this generation.
Despite adding only
Sean Casey this offseason (and unnecessarily, to boot, as Ryan Shealy would have done a fine job; instead, he'll do so in
Cincinnati), I like the
Snakes' chances to slither upwards in the division. In addition, they have a handful of quality position players on the way up, all of whom share an ability into the $5 seats. Names like
Conor Jackson,
Prince Fielder, and
Carlos Gonzalez should become more familiar over the next few years, as should last year's first round pick, big right-handed moundsman
Joe Chittenden, who bagged 12 wins to go along with an even 2.00 ERA in 135 AA innings last year. This club may move up faster than any other last place team, but it doesn't mean I'll be rooting for them. They're not lovable losers like the
Pale Hose, and they're not fighting against the bourgeoisie comme
Les Expos. You want an
Empire, this is it. But, hell, apparently the
Parthians had an empire, too.