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Originally Posted by DAL 9000
About the girl, because although you conspicuously refrained from asking for advice, I feel compelled to give it 'cause I'm a total dick: I know other people have probably told you this, but shut up and ask her out already, fool! Look, what's the worst that can happen? I'll tell you what's the worst that's ever happened to ME: I asked Ruth Graham out and she turned me down. OK, no biggie, I got over it. Then a few months later at our school-sponsored graduation party, she volunteered for the hypnotist routine, and at the very end of it he said, "Is there a boy you think is very, very cute, Ruth?" and she said, "Yes." and he said, "When I say [whatever the word was, "rockslide" or something] you'll go find that boy, and you'll make out with him," and that's how she ended up Frenching Ajayi Lawrence in front of the entire Class of 2003, including me, of course.
Dude, this girl of yours will NOT end up publicly making out with one of your classmates while under hypnosis. Probably. Neither will she stare at you afterwards when you tell her, "Hey, no worries, Ruth. Who among us hasn't been taken advantage of by a travelling hypnotist?" And even if she /does/ get hypnotized into making out with one of your classmates /and/ stare at you afterwards, you'll get over it.
Eventually.
Stupid friggin' hypnotists and their stupid, stupid rockslides.
Ruth goes to BYU now, though. True story.
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Well I feel sorry for you, but that's a hilarious post, must be the way you've written it that makes me want to abandon all sympathy and laugh till I spit water all over my keyboard. Anyway, the solution is clearly to go gay:
1) men always want sex so no problems there
2) women are really complicated and annoying
3) chicks seem to dig gay guys
4) If your free agents don't sign you can accuse them of prejudice and sue their asses (that's how things work in America, right?)
5) gay is the new straight, you'll be invited to all the cool parties.
6) you won't have to mess around trying to unhook all those fiddly bra things. They're lethal! One wrong move and the straps snap back and take your eye(s) out! Seriously, that's what happened to Stevie Wonder.