Bingbong's revenge in
Chicago? I suppose I will give it a shot!
It appears that our biggest free-agent signing will be Jon Garland, but at this exact moment, it's
Jeffrey Hammonds, as the 13-year veteran was apparently so eager for a major league contract that barely had our people uttered "one year, minmum wage" before
Hammonds swooned, fell off the deep end, and jumped all over us like a lovesick, necking teenager. Although that's just a bit too kinky for my tastes, I can't say I'm displeased. I know
Jeffrey Hammonds isn't exactly a name that oozes out confidence, talent, or even the potential for a witty nickname, but he's been a consistent .280 hitter in part-time play over the last three seasons, has a bit of power, and can handle all three outfield positions well enough. But slap me if I start him in left on opening day.
More mildly interesting news, apropos for a mildly interesting team.
Seattle, having lost Bret Boone and lacking a suitable replacement, has come calling for...wait for it...
Juan Uribe.
Yeah, I didn't understand, at first, either. But he's probably better than
Jose Lopez, who hit .248 at AA last year. That's dicey, though. Could go either way,
But here's the kicker: they're willing to give us a real, live ballplayer for him! Ain't that a sweet deal? And get this -- this fellow can even play two positions! And he has two arms and two legs! Needless to say, I can't sign the dotted line fast enough. It's only after I do that I actually find out who we're getting.
Shea Hillenbrand.
I can just picture a group of statheads, wearing long beards and tall hats and eerily resembling a bunch of Amish men, surrounding my building holding pitchforks and burning torches. Scarcely have I stepped outside before I'm suddenly tied up and gagged, probably with a spreadsheet. To cries of "Burn the heathen!", I'm kidnapped and taken back to the Secret Stathead Headquarters in
Lawrence, Kansas, drugged and forced to listen to
Rob Dibble's "commentary" for hours on end until finally I admit that
Shea Hillenbrand is a piece of dung and should be bagging groceries at the local
Food Lion.
So,
like Paul DePodesta, I back out of this little swap at the twenty-fifth hour, citing how
the evil Starbucks company is bringing down our bolde nayshun. After a long nap and a meeting with the singing trout Clark McTaggart, I call
Seattle GM Bill Bavasi back up with a new deal in mind.
Uribe and 23 year old southpaw
Jay Marshall for
Hillenbrand. Why?
Well, if statheads only know two things, and one of them is that
Shea Hillenbrand is a toady wanker, the other is that
There
Is
No
Such
Thing
As
A Pitching
Prospect. So I figure that at least I've covered one of my bases.