DudeOSU's rules of Fandom
DudeOSU's rules of fandom
Section 1: Primary Rooting Affiliations
Definition: A primary rooting affiliation (PRA) is the team a fan will root for above all else in that respective sport or sport category.
Professional Rules:
- A fan may have one PRA from any of the major league professional sports. Except MLS, because no one give a good goddamn about that league. Why? Because I said so. You want soccer? Watch English Premier league.
- A PRA for a sport need not be picked. Because if you live in Lexington, Kentucky, you’ve got better things to do than pay attention to than the NBA. You also may not like sports but then I have no clue why you’re even reading this, nerd, go back to your D&D.
- A PRA must have some affiliation to you. You can’t like the Patriots just because they’re good, you stupid bandwagon fan. People like you have never experienced pain in a sport. You’ll never know what it’s like to wallow through 20 years of Bengals mediocrity because you jump from team to team, just whomever’s doing better. You make me sick, I should….what was I talking about?
- Oh yeah, A PRA must have some affiliation to you. There are several valid affiliations, in general “trumping” order:
- Teams forbidden from being a PRA:
College Rules
- A fan may have a primary rooting affiliation with any one college/university. Unlike professional sports, this applies to all sports that college sponsors. You may not pick and choose colleges to root for in different sports. You’re a fan of Virginia Tech football? Then you’re also a fan of Virginia Tech basketball.
- Like professional rules, a PRA must have some affiliation to you. Again, in general trumping order:
- Teams forbidden from being a PRA:
Up next, secondary rooting affiliations. I can hear the snoring already.
Section 1: Primary Rooting Affiliations
Definition: A primary rooting affiliation (PRA) is the team a fan will root for above all else in that respective sport or sport category.
Professional Rules:
- A fan may have one PRA from any of the major league professional sports. Except MLS, because no one give a good goddamn about that league. Why? Because I said so. You want soccer? Watch English Premier league.
- A PRA for a sport need not be picked. Because if you live in Lexington, Kentucky, you’ve got better things to do than pay attention to than the NBA. You also may not like sports but then I have no clue why you’re even reading this, nerd, go back to your D&D.
- A PRA must have some affiliation to you. You can’t like the Patriots just because they’re good, you stupid bandwagon fan. People like you have never experienced pain in a sport. You’ll never know what it’s like to wallow through 20 years of Bengals mediocrity because you jump from team to team, just whomever’s doing better. You make me sick, I should….what was I talking about?
- Oh yeah, A PRA must have some affiliation to you. There are several valid affiliations, in general “trumping” order:
- City of youth. Whatever city in which you spent the most time growing up (at least five years).
- City of residence. The city in which you currently live. This comes with a catch that it must be for at least five years unless you had no PRA prior to that. Ditching the Cardinals and rooting for the Orioles just because you moved there six months ago makes you a traitor. The new team must win you over first…so I suppose you’ll never root for the Orioles.
- Cities with more than one team of that sport: your pick, should you be from a neutral neighborhood. If you grew up in Wrigleyville, you have to root for the Cubs. My, has fate frowned upon you.
- Team from another city in the state. This is only allowed if your home city does not have a major league team for that sport. This applies to the metropolitan statistical areas surrounding that city. A Dayton, Ohio resident may be a fan of either the Indians or the Reds. A Middletown, Ohio resident must be a fan of the Reds (if he is a baseball fan), even though he’s closer to Dayton than Cincinnati. Doesn’t make sense? Take it up with the government; they define the metropolitan areas. While you’re at it ask them why my tax refund was so much lower this year, jerks.
- Team from the general region. If your state has no pro-sports teams, you may designate one from the region. People in Iowa can like either the Chicago or Minneapolis teams. If you live in Montana, well I don’t know what to tell you.
- Team favorite of your parent(s). Most likely your dad, because mom was too busy worrying about getting your ass to school and getting you fed to lament on the ups and downs of being a Phillies fan.
- Team favorite of family. Similar to the above, but it must be the favorite of over 50% of a cohesive family group on one side of your family. I have no idea what that even means.
- Teams forbidden from being a PRA:
- Natural rival to the team of the city you grew up in. I don’t care how long you’ve lived in New York; you grew up in Boston and you can never, never root for the Yankees.
- Any team that is a rival to a team you already hate (for whatever reasons). This is sort of another bandwagon rule; you can’t become an Giants fan just because you hate the Dodgers and you love to see the Dodgers stomped. You’re from Montana for god’s sake! You shouldn’t even care!
- Cross town teams of your residence or growing up neighborhood. Like before, if you grew up in Wrigleyville, you can’t root for the White Sox. You should hate them anyway for waving that 2005 World Series banner in your face. How does that feel? 1908? What?
- Any Florida Baseball. If you grew up in Florida and like baseball, you’re a Braves fan. Trust me; you’ll thank me for it.
- Ok, if you really like Florida baseball then I guess you can root for them, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- Any US hockey team if you are from Canada. Ok, I don’t know much about hockey, but I’m pretty sure it’s the national sport of Canada and they take great pride in it. I’m also pretty that, in Canada, all disputes are resolved with a shootout. Actually, I think I like Canada’s method better.
College Rules
- A fan may have a primary rooting affiliation with any one college/university. Unlike professional sports, this applies to all sports that college sponsors. You may not pick and choose colleges to root for in different sports. You’re a fan of Virginia Tech football? Then you’re also a fan of Virginia Tech basketball.
- Like professional rules, a PRA must have some affiliation to you. Again, in general trumping order:
- A college/university you attended. Note I didn’t say graduated from, because if that were the case half of us would be forced to be fans of Southern State Technical University where we transferred after we found out being away from mommy was too hard.
- This comes with the caveat that if your college did not play at the highest level (division 1 or division 1-A for football) then you may forego the PRA status for your attended college for one that did play at the highest level.
- This is not a requirement though, if you still want to root for Appalachian State over all division 1-A schools, you are allowed to do so. Your choice.
- There is no point to this; I just wanted to make another indent. Teehee.
- This is not a requirement though, if you still want to root for Appalachian State over all division 1-A schools, you are allowed to do so. Your choice.
- This comes with the caveat that if your college did not play at the highest level (division 1 or division 1-A for football) then you may forego the PRA status for your attended college for one that did play at the highest level.
- State or city of youth. Because we identify with both our state and our city where we grew up, the fan may choose to root for either the city’s university or the state’s university. The hearts and minds of Pittsburghians….Pittsburghites…uh, Pittsters?...may be won over by either U of Pitt or Penn State. Another choice but only available if the fan did not attend a college with the highest level of sports (or did not attend college at all). Pittsburghers?
- To note; this allows someone to pick from U, State U, Tech, A&M and City U if the state has all those. Is it any wonder college affiliations are complicated.
- Team favorite of your parents. If they both went to the same college, then you may root for that college. If they went to separate colleges, how did they meet?
- Teams forbidden from being a PRA:
- You may NOT mix and match sports. A Florida State basketball fan may not be a fan off Miami football. Its FSU all the way, all sports.
- Similar to professional sports, bandwagon rules apply. Just because UConn women’s basketball is good doesn’t mean you can be a fan of UConn when you are from Oklahoma. I don’t care how weird you are and how attractive you find Diana Taurasi, she’s been gone for, like, six years now.
- Unlike professional sports, you may never root for a college just because you moved nearby. College sports are about tradition and pageantry (whatever that means) and blood is thicker than water in college. How many more platitudes can I spit out?
Up next, secondary rooting affiliations. I can hear the snoring already.
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