Railbirds' Fictional Press Releases

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Note: I'm enjoying pretending to be a baseball writer while at the same time pretending to be a pro baseball GM (isn't modern tech fab?).

I'll use this space to post periodic attempts at professional journalism.

Reading Railbirds #1

"Yesterday, the familiar pop of baseballs striking gloves pulsated inside the Reading Railbirds spring complex.

After an AM workout, the team held an afternoon intersquad scrimmage featuring some veterans and lots of young players.

Unfortunately, the exhibition's quality of play wasn't reminiscent of professional baseball, but rather The Bad News Bears of movie fame.

The seven-inning game included 4 wild pitches, 4 hit-batsmen, 6 fielding errors, and innumerable swings and misses by hitters. The final score was 7-6, and players and coaches were left trying to put a positive spin on the day's disappointing effort.

'This is February. We'll get there,' declared outfielder Victor Baker to the media after the game.

New Railbirds General Manager Sylvester "Slam" Dunksaker sought humor in downplaying the 'Birds' disconcerting performance.

A beat reporter asked Dunksaker: 'What about your team's execution?'

The elder executive paused, and seemed to channel former NFL head coach John McKay in formulating a response.

'My team's execution?'

'Yes, your team's execution.'

'Right now, I am in favor of it.'"

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Over-achiever.

After-thought.

Expendable.

New Railbirds catcher Michael Lovell has heard all of the criticism over a 13-year pro career.

In 2008 and as a wiry 18-year old, Lovell remembers signing his first pro contract with the Alcatraz Island organization.

"Yeah I didn’t generate much interest in high school."

One scout not sold on Lovell as a player noted: "No plate discipline. No focus. Is better at pre-game whiffle ball than baseball."

Lovell recalls that criticism with a smile.

"When Alcatraz offered me a deal, I arrogantly thought I’d be in the majors in a year or two."

Lovell’s first year of batting .132 in Rookie ball was a wake-up call. It would take him 9 long years of improvement to reach the bigs.

The veteran catcher’s dedication stands in stark contrast to what early scouts said in that he didn’t have "focus."

Every day, Lovell is always one of the first to arrive at the ballpark, and then last to leave.

After spending the last three seasons as a reserve backstop, Lovell holds no grudges against Alcatraz after being released.

"It’s a business. It was time for both sides to move on."

After signing this month, Lovell is in spring training as a non-roster invitee, and Railbirds’ execs believe that he can make a contribution.

What does Lovell think?

"Yeah, I got something left in my 30-year old tank."

"And like that scout from my teens said, if baseball doesn’t happen for me any longer, I can still throw a wicked whiffle ball knuckler.”

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The hiring of any new GM results in an immediate inventory of players at all levels.

Who is undervalued?

Which asset is moveable?

And, typically the process results in some discouraging discoveries.

For the Reading Railbirds, the matter of Carlos Ramirez’s contract must have been that for newly hired GM Sylvester "Slam" Dunksaker.

The almost 34-year old Ramirez has not played in the majors since the year before last, when he batted just three times.

Last season, the first baseman competed strictly in AA against predominantly 22-year olds, and was allocated to the Rookie League roster when Dunksaker arrived a few weeks ago. Despite not having any current or foreseeable role with the Railbirds, Ramirez remains the second highest paid player on the team.

To make matters worse, Ramirez could have been cut prior to this season, giving both the team and player a fresh start, but unfortunately Ramirez’s contract was allowed to auto-renew during the GM hiring process.

The vet’s money is now guaranteed through the current season.

Ramirez’s limited defensive abilities and well-below-average contact skills, make moving the player via a trade unlikely.

In a league with no DH, there are simply no good options for players like the aging Ramirez.

What will the Railbirds do?

Dunksaker answered that question today by waiving Ramirez and designating him for assignment.

Ramirez refused to comment on the contract, but friends and family members report that the player's Call of Duty abilities, honed over the past couple of years, are now unrivaled.

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Alfonso Perea has been generating lots of buzz around spring training.

The Reading Railbirds starting pitcher had his worst season as a pro last year (0-8, 6.61 ERA, 1.85 WHIP), but wants to put those bad memories behind him.

Especially disturbing were the frequent home runs Perea surrendered.

“Those long balls just came at the worst times and seemingly in bunches," Perea acknowledged.

“I knew it was bad when my kid cousins were asking for free game tickets when I was starting so they could sit in the left field bleachers and catch home run balls.”

Ouch.

Enter this season’s Alfonso Perea equipped with a new pitch that opposing batters may equate to a Bigfoot sighting: the eephus pitch.

When asked about Perea, Railbirds' centerfielder Erick Bullock quipped:

“Eephus pitch? Is that what the thing is called?"

"That blooper messes with a ball player. You are embarrassed that a major leaguer is throwing it to you, but then two swings later, you are on the bench angry about popping-up to first."

Even educated baseball fans may be stumped to explain Perea's new option, a pitch that gained notoriety in the 1940s with then MLB hurler Rip Sewell.

After injuring himself in a hunting accident, Sewell began effectively throwing a high-arching and extremely slow blooper pitch. Sewell's teammates coined the unorthodox toss as an eephus or nothing pitch. A true eephus pitch is lobbed around 25 feet into the air before leisurely dropping into the strike zone.

Sewell made a career out of the eephus and was named to four consecutive All-Star games. During regular season and playoff games, no one ever hit a home run off of Sewell s magical pitch.

The only player during an MLB game to go long ball off of Sewell's eephus was the legendary Ted Williams during the 1946 All Star Game.

Humorously, Williams later admitted (confirmed by video) that he had moved so far to the front of the batter's box, that his right foot was clearly over the box's line when hitting the famous eephus pitch home run. The round-tripper should not have counted.

“I don’t expect to be the second-coming of Rip Sewell,” Perea explained.

“Just helping my team win and having family members seated behind home plate and excited to watch me pitch as opposed to dodging home run balls in the outfield seats--that would be reward enough from mixing in the eephus.”

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The suspension of Reading Railbirds’ starting pitcher Garrett Starks for nine games surprised no one after Thursday’s bench clearing brawl.

After beaning Death Valley’s Daniel Quinones with a fastball in the 2nd inning, the outfielder charged the mound while screaming at Starks.

The muscular Starks has trained with MMA fighters for years, and responded by reflexively dropping into a fighting stance. Starks then delivered a crisp forearm strike to the side of Quinones’ neck, a technique commonly referred to as a “brachial plexus stun.”

Staggered by the blow, Quinones dropped to the ground and appeared dazed for a minute or so, before shaking his head and rejoining the melee.

An unnamed Railbirds’ teammate remarked: “I am not sure if that Quinones guy is extremely courageous or an idiot. It is common knowledge around the league that Starks is a bad a$$ and definitely the last guy you want to fight.”

Starks had no comment on the incident.

In place of Starks in the Railbirds’ rotation, Ray Miller will start Saturday’s game against San Jose.

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Nineteen-year-old hurler Connor Kelloway delivered a brief fist pump in response to the umpire’s “Strike Three” call giving the Lancaster Lightning a 5-3 win on Saturday.

The Reading Railbirds’ minor leaguer had just earned his fourth save in five chances.

Although Single A Lancaster remains quite a journey from the major leagues, Kelloway is following a life-long dream of playing pro baseball.

“Each day is a learning experience. You want to be like a sponge and absorb everything. I just want to keep getting better.”

And with that desire to improve, Kelloway is not afraid of considering the unorthodox, as was exemplified by the discussion topic at a recent lunch meeting.

“Yeah, I had lunch with Pat and we talked pitching.”

Pat is none other than Pat Venditte, Jr., the ambidextrous pitcher who spent time with the Oakland A’s and several other organizations.

And to clarify within a baseball context—ambidextrous refers to the ability to pitch both left and right-handed and not to be confused with former infielder Jim Morrison’s use of “amphibious” which he said described the “ability to pitch underwater.”

“Though I am a righthander, I can throw really well lefty. I just need to keep practicing.”

According to baseball records, only a handful of pitchers have thrown both lefty and righty in MLB games including Venditte Jr., Greg A. Harris, and dead-ball-era starter Tony Mullane.

Will Kelloway's name be added to that exclusive list?

“Nothing is impossible. Pat believes in me as a switch pitcher, and we think I can develop better movement on my off-speed stuff.”

After commenting previously on teammate Alfonso Perea’s development of an Eephus pitch, Railbirds’ outfielder Erick Bullock was asked about Calloway as a switch pitcher.

Bullock responded with a chortle: “First, Eephus throwers and now ambidextrous? All that is missing is a human cannonball act, and those guys will have a must-see circus performance that I can take my kids to watch.”

In any event, Calloway's development on the mound should be entertaining for fans.

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“Nice work, Garvey,” joked Reading Railbirds’ shortstop Harvey Gregg while passing teammate James Brown in pre-game drills.

Brown acknowledged the comment with a grin and a hand-waving dismissal.

“Garvey? Steve Garvey! Gregg thinks he is being funny making a crack about my height and playing first. I am still six-foot tall, you know, taller than Garvey. And, Garvey was an All-Star, so I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Brown was all smiles while meeting with the press after being recalled from the minors to rejoin the Railbirds on Sunday.

With first base, the team gave Brown extra time to learn the new position, as the player had agreed to an extended training camp that included a month in AAA honing defensive skills.

“General consensus among coaches is that you can train any big-leaguer who has intelligence greater than an artichoke to play first. I hope I don’t prove to be the exception,” said the former third baseman.

For clarification, Baseball Reference states that Steve Garvey was not the shortest MLB first baseman, and lists a handful of players who fielded at first for at least 30 games while being under 5’9—the most recent being Ron Belliard in 2008 at 5’8.

Stave Garvey-like height or not at first, the Railbirds definitely will enjoy Brown’s bat being added to the starting lineup. Brown is a career .295 hitter in limited major league action, but had already smashed 9 home runs in 125 at-bats for AAA Bethlehem.

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Due to injuries, the Reading Railbirds promoted outfielder Tony Perez last week. From Day 1 in the bigs, Perez has started in centerfield and performed well--batting above .300 and playing excellent defense.

“Getting a base-knock in my first major league at-bat was special, and then the whole experience…well, it is a dream fulfilled.”

Somewhat surprising has been Perez’s strong throwing arm, as the rookie already has two outfield assists.

Asking Perez about arm development, yielded a surprising response.

“I grew up playing lots of disc golf and baseball. You need a strong mindset and discipline to throw frisbee discs or play baseball competitively. Throwing those discs requires a full-body effort and lots of balance.”

Knowing that Perez is a Rock Hill, South Carolina native helps to connect the two sports, as Rock Hill is the home of the US Disc Golf Championship.

Following-up with Railbirds’ coach Al Petete, who leads fielding drills for position players, we were curious if Perez’s success with disc golf is something that could be implemented to improve the defense of other Reading players.

Petete met the question with a smile and a long pause, before responding.

“You mean are we going to work frisbee throwing into our daily training regime?”

“Maybe right after I finish incorporating duck-duck-goose drills for our catchers, flaming ball juggling for the pitchers, and Out of the Park Baseball trade simulations for our General Manager.”

Ok, so don’t expect the team’s ball bags to be replaced by discs anytime soon, but the latter suggestion regarding trading practice on OOTP? Now that would be entertaining and educational for anyone.